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Sadly, about the time when I might havereally been able to start sorting me out, I was exposed to a rapist, andspent two years in Hell.Part of what happened to me was he justified his attacks on me because ofmy feminine side. He made me so afraid of my desire to be female that iburied it until I was approaching puberty. Then the sense of wrongness,the horrible feeling that somehow, I was going in the wrong directionbecame overwhelming. But I kept it hidden as best as I could.Then I became a Christian. This made my conflict even stronger, as I wasinducted into a conservative branch of the faith, and felt sure that myneed for the feminine was a sin. This lead to a cycle of "binging" -getting girl clothes and trying to be as female as I could, followed byguilt and "purging" where I would get rid of everything, only to start upagain a week later, or even sooner.Not only that, I suffered severalbreakdowns, and seriously considered suicide several times.Finally, I realized I was hurting. In her saris, especially those that weren’t meant to be draped tightly, you couldn’t see those great knees and strong thighs that went up to her rounded buttocks. The sudden dip at her tiny waist (tiny by her otherwise big standards) had once made my teenaged daughter blurt out that she had a great figure.Great, hell, her figure was every man’s dream and I am human. And what really got to me were those amazing breasts that she could only hide by draping the border of her sari across them. I have seen her with that border tipping away from her shoulders. I am amazed that my heart has survived all those mild heart attacks whenever I have seen those blouse-encased breasts, straining out of the flimsy material. Even in the most orthodox-looking saris, she almost always wore low-neck blouses that revealed lots of cleavage whenever, by chance, the border of the sari fell down her shoulders. When she bent down, like to pick up something from off the floor, those huge breasts strained.
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