What triggered it was some special on the news about how some underprivileged children had celebrated the holidays. I really want children. I asked Brian when he would ever be ready to have children. I’m getting old, almost too old to have kids. As it is, I might be in my late fifties when they’re teenagers. // Brian looked shocked. He told me that I was nuts – totally crazy. He told me he’d always wanted children and that I’d told him for years about how I did want them. That’s just not true and never has been. I love children. I seek them out at gatherings if they’re there. He ranted and raved about how I was losing my mind and not remembering things straight. If it wasn’t for the many entries in this journal where I’ve talked about wanting children, I might have believed him because he was so forceful. Several times I feared he was going to strike me, but he didn’t. Instead, he yelled at me about how useless I was, how crazy I was, how his wife was nuts, and how everyone would. She painted my fingernails and toe nails a bright red color. Then she proceeded to apply make up on my face. The blushon was put; the eye make up done and my lips matched my nails in a deep red color. Then I was made to wear a padded bra with falsies and a panty made from some kind of satin cloth, which felt wonderful against my skin. Then I was made to wear some thin chains, which I later learnt were not iron or steel but silver. Then chains interconnected a silver collar on my neck, my wrists my ankles and even my waists. Though they restricted free movement they enabled me to function normally. About two feet of slack was given to the chains connecting my wrists and the same slack given to my ankle chains. When I walked the chains and the anklets (which had tiny bells attached to them) jingled loudly. On top of these I was made to wear what was the slave dress. It included a short red top almost like a bikini but with sleeves and it made of silk and beautifully embroidered and.
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