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I was smaller, no question, but I was wearing nothing but sweats and loose shirts, even around the house. I was scared to get on the scales, afraid to find out I had lost only a paltry amount, but no, the difference in my body was far too pronounced. I had to have lost at least close to my target figure. Then I realized there were some old clothes, stuck back in the closet, unworn for many years. I knew about what I weighed when I was in them… And so I approached the closet. There was a pair of pants I had last worn eight years earlier. They were fourteen inches in the waist smaller than the pants I had sundered the day I decided to do something positive. And how sweet it was. I hopped on the scales, unafraid. I waited for the digital numbers to stop their flickering, deciding what to say to this burden. (‘One at a time, please!’) I looked at the final number, it was one hundred sixty-eight pounds below my high-water mark. I’d beaten my goal. I’d sealed the deal, and I’d earned a. The sooner I was home the better. PrppppppptI nearly gagged. My sausage casings were not containing these farts at all and, soon enough, my activities were noticed by the grump behind the wheel. I could see his nose twitch in the rearview mirror and eventually, his eyes shot up to take my oh so innocent appearance in with some considerable accusation "Have you farted?"I tried to look surprised, but it didn't work. I could feel another brewing at that very moment. I shrugged and batted my eyelids "Yeah, sorry. Christmas eh? Too much rich food"But this grumpy git wasn't the type to fall for my girlie charms and he groaned with horror before pulling the car up kerbside. "What?" I asked "What are you doing?" You know what" he said, jerking his head towards the pavement as he switched the meter off "Out" Out?" I asked. By my reckoning I was a good five minute walk from home "You're actually chucking me out....for farting?" It fuckin' reeks in here" he complained "Go on, hop it" But it's.
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