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”Went out last night and got really wasted.I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring.So, at least I got home OK.Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.“Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.“German,” she replies.“Occupation?”“No, just here for a few days.”As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer’s funeral, a voice from insidescreams: “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, “Too late, mate, the paperwork’s already done.”I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.Or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.So I thought - sod it, I’ll soldier on.I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.I got downstairs and found. The letter was postmarked from my home-town. I quickly opened it; as I expected, it was the anticipated note from Mr Johnston at the vegetable factory."Dear Jon and Jen,I'm writing to both of you care of your parents; my apologies to the one who gets the second carbon-copy, but it should still be just about legible.I confirm that I have reserved a ten-berth static caravan for you and your friends to live in this summer while you are working here. It has arrived and been set up.I happened to bump into your parents in town, and I invited them to come and have a look around, so that we could think about how you could make it work for you all. I hadn't realised that you would both be at home at Whitsun, or I would have contacted you then.I'm very happy for you to all eat breakfast and lunch at the factory canteen; we'll have to charge you the usual subsidised rates for those meals, but I think you'll be content with that. The canteen closes after the afternoon tea-break, so you will need.
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