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During these first few months, I tried to talk to Peter several timesabout the rings. Trying to see if I could find some way to end mynightmare and get back to normal. This ended on the wedding day when Petertold me in no uncertain terms to forget about ever using the rings againor getting back to being a man. In fact, he commanded that I could neverask him again.That night John and I consummated our marriage several times over and inall imaginable ways. We spent a short week on a beach honeymoon and thensettled back to our 'normal' life.As the months went by I grew larger and more and more horrified by therealities of pregnancy. Most things were far from glamorous and otherswere just downright painful. I was horrified and scared about what thelabour and giving birth process would be like, especially when pregnancywas so difficult. I got tired and out of breath doing the simplest things,my feet were swollen, I was constantly hungry. Despite this, I kept house,made all John's meals and. The roomwas quite dark now. It must be late afternoon. Still she hadn't come!Clara was a loud girl, and certain of herself, he thought. He shiveredat the prospect of meeting her again. He was frightened of Jane andMaggie but terrified of Clara. Grown ups were usually rational. Youcould talk to them. They would sometimes forget that you were not alittle child but then they'd remember. No adult had ever treated him ashad Joan Fearon and her friends. Whenever he was out with mummy orCathy he always clung to them if there were children about, just theway some small kids grasp their mothers when they see a dog nearby. Youcould never be certain about children. He'd had so many badexperiences. He remembered a time when he had liked Joan but then therewas humiliation after humiliation. He used to quake when she came tothe door to call for him. He was too ashamed to tell Cathy and mummythat he was frightened so he went along holding her hand being nice toher and hoping she wouldn't have to.
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