I haven't had meaningful contact with another male in six weeks. Ihaven't seen or read about or played any manly sports since I decided onthe Lipstick Route. I watch only soap operas or Kardasian reality showsor Project Runway or Ellen on the TV. My reading material is exclusivelyVogue and Glamour and Allure and all the rest of the magazines I have toread to get a glimpse of what will happen to me in a few months.Mother so enjoys the evenings that we spend, every couple days, pouringtogether over ELLE or ALLURE, with her asking me which bra ad mostappeals to me and why. A man hasn't lived till he has sat with his motherand discussed the effects a WonderBra would have on that son's boobs. Shequizzes me endlessly about what types of bras and girdles I think wouldbe most flattering on me, her son. Do I like longline bras? Do I thinkOPI nail polish is sexier than ESSIE? Do, I, her son, really need scarletlipliner on an everyday basis?We sit together, Mother in her most revealing peignoir. " Okay, perhaps that wasn't the most diplomatic way of saying 'that's not very pleasant, is it?' Maybe I should have said 'I agree that having a boyfriend would improve your quality of life'. Just pretend I said that instead, okay?" Sure, Bob. I agree. Having a boyfriend would definitely improve my quality of life. Do you have any idea where I could find one just laying around for me to pick up and take home?" Well, I have to admit that if you aren't too picky, frat houses are pretty good places to pick up guys. If you have standards, though, this may not be the best place to go. What are you looking for in a boyfriend? Handsome? Rich? Good company? Loyal? Hung like a horse? You may have to compromise, pick and choose depending upon what's the most important to you and what's available." Bob, are you looking at me? I'm 19, and I've never even had a date. I've lowered my standards all the way to 'anyone who is good to me'. I'm hoping I won't have to go all the way to 'anyone who is.
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